In Which Everyone Gets Snogged but Peter
by Allons-y Rosie
Summary: Sirius/Remus not your cup of tea - don't read! Rated T for sexual insinuation and British snarkiness. Oneshot in which James is straight and obnoxious, Remus is oddly sadistic, Sirius is a willing lackey, and Peter passes out numerous times


**A/N: Hello you lovely readers! This is just a cute little oneshot I thought of while not paying attention in Geometry one day and has been floating around in my notebook for quite some time now. I've been writing a lot of dark fanfiction lately (while delving into the Joker's psyche is fun and lets you be creative, it makes you go a little crazy and sadistic after a bit) so I've decided to take a field trip and write this little light hearted nugget for all my Remus/Sirius fans. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer:**_ Sadly, I do not own any of the characters in this story. J.K. gets all the credit, as much as I hate to admit…_

The Gryffindor boy's dormitory was quiet and peaceful. The window was open and birds could be heard singing in the tree outside near the lake. There weren't usually beautiful sunny days at Hogwarts like this. And, _usually_, the boys' dormitory wasn't this quiet. Especially considering who inhabited it. The room itself seemed to sigh in relief (or actually _did_ sigh, this was Hogwarts after all) at the rare peace of the moment. All was quiet…

A loud thundering of steps up the stone staircase. Two boys emerged and slammed the door, wrapped in each other's arms, kissing.

Remus Lupin broke away from the kiss and started to undo Sirius' robes. The dark haired marauder'd been passing notes to him all morning about what he'd do to him once they were alone. Sirius laughed out of breath at his boyfriend's enthusiasm.

"Christ, Rem if I'd known that all it took was a note - ."

He was interrupted by a low growl from Remus and glanced at the calendar.

Full Moon tomorrow.

_Oh._

He couldn't really think after that as he'd been thrown on the bed with bone cracking force. He grimaced and turned toward Remus who was already undressed and kissing Sirius' neck.

"Rem?"

No answer as the werewolf kissed lower.

"Remus?"

Still no answer.

"Moon-Pie?" he singsonged. He knew the nickname would bother him.

"Goddammit! What?!" he yelled exasperated. He'd bribed Lily into talking to James for a while so they could be alone but now Sirius was deciding to take forever. He softened a little at the amused and slightly worried look on the animagus' face.

"Sorry. What's wrong?"

Sirius fidgeted a bit under Remus' gaze. Something about his amber eyes had always made Sirius feel like he was being studied. As if, just by looking at him, Remus could tell exactly what he was thinking.

"Well, tomorrow's the full moon and you know how you get during _that_ time of the month. Not that I mind it!" he said hurriedly as Moony's eyes narrowed.

"But well you're all _dominant_ and stuff and it's a major turn on but it gets annoying because then I feel like someone's prison bitch and may I just state for the record that Sirius Black isn't anybody's bitch and while I'm -," he was cut off by Remus putting a hand over his mouth.

"Sirius, do you want to be on top?" he asked with all the sweet adorable-ness he could muster.

Sirius smiled and nodded then yelped as he was flipped over onto his knees. Remus laughed triumphantly.

"What were you saying?"

"You're right. I'm your bitch."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Remus fell back onto the comforter, breathing hard, and looked up at Sirius who bent down and kissed him hard on the mouth.

"I knew there was a reason I loved you."

The werewolf rolled his eyes, got up and started pulling his pant back on.

"Love you, too. Now let's hurry before Lils gets too tired of James," he said as he threw Sirius uniform at him. Grey eyes peeked out from under a shirt, one eyebrow raised.

"I bribed her to talk to James so we could…you know."

"Good one. What'd you bribe her with?"

"I told her you would leave her alone for a week."

Sirius gave an outraged gasp and pouted. Remus merely glanced at him. He knew the all mighty and powerful patented Sirius Orion Black pout all too well and didn't want to risk falling to its cute prowess.

"Mooooooooooooonnnnyyyy!!!" he whined.

Remus stopped putting his tie on and pointed at Sirius threateningly.

"Don't you Moooonnyy me, it was worth it and you know it."

"Yeah…," he said as he finished getting dressed and waved a cleaning charm over the bed.

"I guess."

Sirius saw Remus turn and before he could blink he was back on the bed again.

"_Excuse me_?" the werewolf said mock angrily as he formed a cage over the brunette with his arms. A piece of tawny hair fell into Remus' eyes and Sirius smiled, brushing it away.

'Definitely kidding, Moon Shine. Calm down," Sirius said as he kissed him once on the nose.

Remus' eyes suddenly turned intense as he leaned in to kiss his lover. It had started out as an innocent peck but Sirius had finally caught up with his mood. He moaned low in his throat and put a hand under Remus' shirt, feeling the smooth plane of his chest with the occasional bump of a scar. He heard Remus groan as he sucked on his tongue.

Sirius smiled around his love's mouth. If he was good at anything it was kissing and he loved being able to elicit cute little sounds from Remus. The blond was constantly analyzing everything and being self conscious and the bedroom was one of the only places Sirius could show him just how adorable-cute-sexy-handsome-amazing-gorgeous he really was.

He turned Remus over so that he was on top and the boy didn't even seem to notice as he wrapped his legs around him and fisted his hair.

"Ow, Pads!"

"What?"

"You bit my lip."

Sirius licked away the blood from the small cut and gave Remus his famous puppy dog eyes.

"Forgive?"

"You, I'd forgive anything. Now, um," his gold eyes flicked to Sirius' lips then back to his eyes.

"Where were we?"

Sirius' eyes glinted mischievously and he hitched Remus' legs back around his waist as he straddled him.

"Right about here."

As he leaned in for the kiss, the door banged open as James and Peter strolled in.

"Ewwww, go get a room," he joked.

Remus sighed and pushed Sirius off the bed where he landed with a dog-like yelp.

"Well, we _had_ a room until you two decided to waltz on in here."

"Yeah there's this cool new thing called knocking. You should try it out sometime," Sirius commented from his place on the floor.

"Well we shouldn't have to knock to get in our own room," Peter said quietly so no one heard him.

"So how was talking to Lily?" Remus asked conversationally, as he rolled the cuffs of his shirt up his arms. Was it just him, or was it hot especially hot today?

James visibly brightened at the question.

"Great! She's amazing when her voice isn't up ten octaves screaming at you."

Sirius laughed. He knew all too well what his friend meant.

"Brilliant. Did you ask her to Hogsmeade?"

Peter chuckled.

"He did but it was more like," at this he put on a stupid sounding voice and crossed his eyes.

"Wanna snog wit me at the Three Broomsticks dis weekend?"

"Idiot"

"Git"

"Dumbass"

"Okay so it wasn't exactly suave but –,"

Remus shook his head with a condescending look.

"Wasn't exactly suave doesn't even begin to cover it, Prongs. It was more like horrendous, tortuous, illiterate, heinous, anomalous, scurrilous, bombastic, _lurid -,"_

James hit him with his potions book.

" – drivel."

"Enough with the wordy adjectives, if you please. Besides, how's you know we were talking? You two ran up here so fast it…oh," he said as he started to smile.

Remus blushed a bright crimson and Sirius suddenly became very interested in his hair.

"Don't even star -,"

"Moony and Padfoot did it! Moony and Padfoot did it!"

"Oh, shut up," Remus said feebly.

"No! Wanna know why? Imma tell you why! Moony and Padfoot did it! They had Buttse – ARGH!" he stopped chanting as he tumbled to the floor with something black and furry standing on his chest.

Sirius snarled at his best friend then barked in his face. He gave him a sloppy, drool-filled lick on the cheek, as he panted, happily wagging his tail.

"Ugh! God, Pads! Dog breath! Rem, call him off!"

Remus' mouth twitched as he trued to hold back a smile. He should really let James suffer for being such a prat but Sirius' dog breath _was_ kind of deadly…

He inspected his nails nonchalantly and crossed his legs on the edge of the bed.

"I don't know, Jamesy," he sighed.

"That wasn't very nice of you."

James tried to shove the enormous paws off of him but to no avail. Sirius could be quite stubborn when he wanted to be.

"_C'mon_, I was just stating the obvious anyway," he tried to explain.

At this, Sirius plopped down on James so that he was crushing his entire body.

"Remus I think I heard one of his lungs pop," peter said nervously. If James died, which was entirely possible considering Remus could be downright sadistic when he wanted to be, then it'd just be him, Sirius and Remus; which would suck because he'd have no one to talk to when they were off snogging in a broom closet somewhere. The thought made him shudder and let out a squeak of fear.

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Please, Sirius isn't _that_ heavy."

"You would know," James snickered. Sirius started howling in his ear and Remus shook his head sadly.

"You just don't know when to stop, do you?" he muttered. Then:

"Okay, well I suppose we'll forgive you if you say sorry," he said brightly.

James gasped for air.

"Never!"

"Well that leaves you in a bit of a tight spot doesn't it?" Remus said so snobbily that somewhere in the castle Lucious Malfoy looked around nervously and shuddered.

Sirius let some drool dangle just above James' forehead.

"Now," Remus said as he stood up and started to pace, hands behind his back.

"As _I_ see it, you could say sorry, get Padfoot off of you, and we'll go downstairs to get some dinner, everyone a happy camper."

"_Or_," he spun on his heel to look down at James.

"You don't say sorry, have bruised lungs, and get Sirius' dog spit all over you. And, honestly as much as I love dear Padfoot, I _really_ don't think you want Sirius' spit on you. I mean who but God knows what he's had in his mouth…or _swallowed_," he added the last one with an evil smirk.

James gulped and looked up at the spit dangling above his head, thinking carefully.

Peter chewed on his thumbnail, creating an annoying click sound. The tension was palpable. Remus was starting down at James. Sirius was trying to keep his drool above James' head, and James was glancing between the two nervously.

Just then the door slammed open to reveal an angry Lily.

Remus cursed.

Peter thanked God.

Sirius turned back into a human so Lily wouldn't know he was an illegal animagus.

James almost fainted with relief.

The redhead stormed into the room.

"And one more thing, Potter, you disgusting toe rag, if you _ever_ talk to me again I assure you - ."

She was cut off as James leapt up and kissed her full on the mouth to a room of his shocked friends. The girl momentarily swooned then regained her senses and pushed the bespectacled boy off of her. She sputtered for a second, shocked and Remus braced himself for the explosion by grabbing Sirius' hand.

Then, to everyone's surprise (none more than James) she gave a running leap and tackled him.

With her mouth.

Sirius grinned at their luck at not dying.

Remus cursed again for his plan not being fulfilled.

Peter fainted.

"Is that how straight people snog?" he stage whispered into Remus' ear.

"Apparently"

"Oh," he said matter of factly. Then, grabbing his werewolf's hand said,

"Let's go find a closet."

Remus smiled and got up on his toes to give him a peck on the cheek.

"Race ya," he said as he opened the door and ran out with Sirius right behind him.


End file.
